Andre And Buena: Together At Last!

Sometimes I feel sorry for a PR who is, y'know, trying their best, but just doesn't have the skills to get one past a magnificently unforgiving newspaper professional...

Dear LiS

They lost me at "Fans go wild"...

FWD MESSAGE______________________________
From: "Eleanor" [eleanor@bornfree.org.uk]

SUBJECT: WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FANS GO WILD AS PETER ANDRE AND MUTYA BUENA ANNOUNCE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM ‘UNCONDITIONAL’ FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER AT BORN FREE’S WILD & LIVE

7.30pm SATURDAY 14th NOVEMBER 2009, ROYAL ALBERT HALL



Fans of Peter Andre and ex Sugababe Mutya Buena CAN SOMEONE RESERVE EIGHT SEATS NOW PLEASE will get a unique opportunity to see the two stars "STARS" perform together for the first time in public; at Born Free’s star studded WILD & LIVE at the Royal Albert Hall. Their one-off appearance will set the show alight I WOULD RATHER BE SET ALIGHT THAN SUFFER EVEN ONE SECOND OF THESE TWO BOW-LEGGED, ARSE-FACED, WALL-EYED, CROW-FOOTED, MOUTH-BREATHING, NOSE-PICKING, WASHED-UP SQUAWKERS with a version of Peter’s new single ‘Unconditional’, tipped to be No 1 when it is released next week. AMAZING (IE, NOT AMAZING).

Following Pete’s announcement on Facebook FACEBOOK! BRILLIANT! that he was scheduled to perform at WILD & LIVE in advance of his ‘Revelation Tour’ in 2010, the Born Free offices were inundated by calls from excited fans. SID AND DORIS BONKERS, CALLING FROM NEASDEN ON BEHALF OF THEIR GOD-DAUGHTER, CANAPE (CURRENTLY ON LOCK-DOWN *SAD FACE*).

At the eagerly anticipated WILD & LIVE both Pete and Mutya will perform several of their chart hits THAT'LL BE GOOD before joining together for ‘Unconditional’.

Mutya was in the original chart topping Sugababe line up and the band went on to become one of the most successful UK girl bands in British history, with four platinum selling albums, six number one singles, a BRIT-Award as well as a platinum-selling greatest hits album. THEN SHE LEFT AND HER CAREER DIED LIKE A LOUSE IN A RUSSIAN'S BEARD, REMEMBER THAT BIT?

Peter is now a much loved household name OH DO FACK OFF with a huge and loyal fan base YEAH. He has achieved 8 top 5 singles in the UK alone, including four number 1s. His new single GET ON WITH IT...

WILD & LIVE takes place at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday 14th November at 7:30pm where Peter and Mutya will be joined by an international line-up of top stars from the world of music and entertainment. Including THIS IS THE REALLY GOOD BIT

Bryan Adams (OK, STAR), Martin Clunes (MORE OF A TWAT THAN A STAR, TBH), Beverley Craven (HAHAHAHAHA), Karen Hardy (WHO SHE?) and Mark Ramprakash (WHO HE?), Gabriella Cilmi (NOT A STAR), Kiki Dee (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Carmelo Luggeri (WHO HE?), Rolf Harris (STAR), Tony Mortimer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Robert Wells (WHO HE?), Fuse (WHO THEY?), African Drummers (WHAT, ALL OF THEM?), Fire Poet (EH?), Inspire Choir (WHO?), Nick Knowles (COCK-END), Donal and Ameera MacIntyre (COCK-ENDS), John Altman (THEY MEAN NICK COTTON), Michael McKell (WHO HE?), Gary Webster (WHO HE?) and Wendy Turner (WHO SHE?), Rula Lenska (AMAZING), Anneka Rice (NOT AMAZING), Catriona Wiles (WHO SHE?) and Partner (WHO?) Virginia McKenna (DESERVES HIGHER BILLING), Joanna Lumley (DESERVES MUCH HIGHER BILLING), Graham Norton (TWAT), Lady Victoria Hervey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Helen Worth (THEY MEAN GAIL TILSLEY), Mark Austin (WHO HE?).


Marking the 25th Anniversary of the Born Free Foundation, funds raised from the concert will help save the lives of over 25,000 animals in the wild and alleviate the suffering of animals in captivity, including many threatened and endangered species OH NEVER MIND ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT, WHEN'S NICK COTTON ON?).

A special range of WILD & LIVE merchandise has been produced including specially designed T.Shirts and ribbons and with profits from the sale of each item going to save the OH WOTEVA...

He's The Simon Cowell Of Urinals, Apparently

This just in from an LiS operative working undercover. Claiming you're the "Simon Cowell" of anything is so reductive and pointless, so leaden and tiresome and silly and misguided and useless it makes my teeth ache. To say you're the Simon Cowell of Pissoirs - indeed, to trumpet the idea in a press release - is to shout from the very rooftops that you are a lumpen oaf. It is Titanically awful. Still, as long as your name "gets about", eh.

Forwarded Message
From: Alex Garvey [alex@londonpragency.com]
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 2009 15:08:36 -0000
Subject: I'm The Simon Cowell of urinals

Hi – would you like to feature this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO.

“I’m the Simon Cowell of urinals!”

He’s created everything - from door knobs for Sir Elton John to luxurious clubs for A-listers and places for ladies who lunch in Harvey Nichols…to kebab shops and park benches in the Midlands THE MIDLANDS - THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE LIVE :( Now interior designer Philip Watts is staging a retrospective, back at the university where it all began.

He says: “It’s our guiding philosophy to take uninteresting, unloved objects and breathe new life into them, make them exciting.

“We’ve turned our attention to objects as disparate as urinals, door handles and cigarette bins. Anything unloved and uninteresting, let’s play with it and make it stimulating and exciting. OH AMAZING.

“I suppose I have a fascination with objects, I say, ‘God, you’re dull. Why are you dull? There’s no need for you to be dull. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Let’s make you good.’

“People LIKE WHO? say we give objects personality. It’s like the X Factor for the uninteresting architecture of life. I am the Simon Cowell of urinals! We take boring objects and we turn them into stars and then send them out into the OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST...

Blind Stupidity

It's been a while, sorry. Had a lot on.

This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.

Dear LiS,

Some time back I sent you a monumentally stupid press release about net curtains unfairly being the butt of music hall jokes - unfair because of how they stop burglars getting into your house and all that.

I now feel I was a little harsh on senders of that first email. For I have now been sent another release - about window dressings, again - which is so horrifically dreadful I am convinced it is sent to me in malice. I shall resist self-harming however, and hoping you don't mind too much, will send it to you to do with it as you will. I'm upset, you can imagine.

To be fair, it is not all bad. I can't deny I enjoyed the reference to "canopes" and the use of "!" where there really is no need, although I do like the graph demonstrating just how each type of blind connects with different areas of the UK.


----- Forwarded 27/10/2009 16:20
FROM: "Kirsty Hunt" [khpr@btinternet.com]
SUBJECT: Where we live affects window dressing, reveals research

Where we live has a huge influence on our choice of window dressing, according to research published today.

A new report has revealed that homeowners living in the Midlands opt for Vertical blinds, as do those in the South East. Whereas people living in the North West like the simplicity of Venetian blinds, the South West has a preference for Pleated and those in the North East, Scotland, Ireland and Wales favour Roller blinds THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - KEEP GOING!

And according to Jenny Eaton from NAME DELETED Northampton “MIDLANDERS LIKE THEIR PRIVACY”. DID SHE SCREAM IT LIKE THAT TOO? IS SHE MAD? She said, “Northampton, like many Midlands-based towns, has quite a few terraced houses where the front room window looks out on to the street. Vertical blinds are the best equivalent to net curtains, which are now considered old fashioned, and offer privacy without blocking out too much light, which is why I think they’re so popular.” I THINK I LOVE YOU, JENNY.

The study was carried out by NAME DELETED Blinds, one of the UK and Ireland’s largest retailers of blinds, shutters and awnings.

Homeowners in the South East are adopting the trend for shutters faster than anywhere else in the UK and Ireland, with twice as many customers fitting shutters in their homes. INCREDIBLE - THIS IS THE SORT OF INCISIVE STUFF WE'D PROBABLY LOSE IN A "FREEMIUM"-LED UNIVERSE.

More awnings and canopes CANOPES! LIKE CANOPIES, ONLY NOT QUITE AS USEFUL IN THE RAIN (OR THE SUN) are also sold in the South East than the rest of the country – it must be the weather! YES! HAHAHAHAHA! IT MUST BE!

General Manager of NAME DELETED Blinds Gary Chambers said: “I WANTED TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT. OR EVEN A POLICEMAN. BUT NO. I SELL BLINDS. FRANKLY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I'D NEVER BEEN BORN [sad face]. We started to see some general trends and decided to delve deeper into different regions’ buying decisions and style choice. We thought there would be more OH, ALRIGHT, "GARY". GIVE IT A REST.

“We knew shutters were really taking off in the South East, but it was interesting to see that Roller Blinds were the most popular option in Scotland. YES, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAY IN THE OFFICE WHEN THAT NEWS CAME IN! I BET YOU LOT AT NAME DELETED BLINDS MUST HAVE GONE FACKING MENTAL WHEN THE WHOLE "ROLLER BLINDS IN SCOTLAND" INFO BEGAN TO FILTER THROUGH ON THE OLD TICKER-TAPE MACHINE. I SEE DOLLY-BIRD SECRETARIES KISSING FLUSTERED MANAGING DIRECTORS, JUNIOR OFFICE CLERKS DREAMING OF AN EXTRA HALF OF MILD AT LUNCHTIME AND THE ENTIRE SALES-FORCE SAT IN LINE IN THE CAR-PARK REVVING THEIR SIERRAS. WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY!

“Shutters, Verticals and Venetians offer more privacy over roller and roman blinds so maybe this says something about people living in these regions!” CHRIST, YES! IT DOES! IT REALLY DOES!

He added: “The best selling blind in the whole of the UK is the Roller blind.” GARY, YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN. THANK YOU! FROM ALL OF US! THANK YOU!

To find your nearest NAME DELETED Blinds stockist visit www.GOOGLE.co.uk or call DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES

Banksy and Thom Yorke: It's A Twat Trap

This is tiresomely awful. I mean actually wearying.

Dear LiS

This is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read in my entire life.

yours

A concerned citizen.

Beta Culture [contact@betaculture.org]
Subject: Yorke denies Banksy video
Date: 24 September, 2009 01:14:34 PM BST

For immediate release:

Thom Yorke denies connection to Banksy video.

Media artist OR, IF YOU PREFER, "TWAT", Raymond Salvatore Harmon manipulated major media outlets AMAZING! this past week who reported on his Thom Yorke/Banksy music video mashup OH CHRIST, OFF WE GO AGAIN as an 'official Yorke video.'

In an act that has been labeled as 'art terrorism' BY WHOM? and 'video graffiti' BY WHOM? hundreds of major media sources have reported over the past 3 days that a video piece created by YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT Harmon was in fact the 'official' video from Thom Yorke.

Utilizing a "seizure inducing array of Banksy imagery" *STIFLES EPIC, MOUTH-SPLITTING YAWN* the video presents itself as a music video for Radiohead frontman YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT TOO Thom Yorke's recently released "the Hollow Earth" THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" single.

With a simple 300 word press release UNLIKE THIS ONE Harmon was able to generate tens of thousands of hits and extensive coverage in major media outlets such as the BBC, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, the Guardian, Dose DOSE!, and a TV spot from the ITN network ITN! BLESS! video feed in as little as 48 hours THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG TIME.

The lack of fact-checking and lax in reporting THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING from major media outlets outlines the weakness of information structures in today's news and
media spectrum OH, PISS OFF YOU TWATS. Harmon's use of such iconic British personalities as Yorke and graffiti artist Banksy (whose identity is still uncertain WHICH MEANS HE'S HARDLY "ICONIC", EH?) as bait has lead to much speculation about truth in reporting NO IT HASN'T, YOU PISS-ANTS.

The images used in the video outline Banksy's commentary on such icons as Mickey Mouse and Ronald Mcdonald THEY MEAN "McDonald", VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE yet incorporate Banksy's work much the way Banksy himself uses corporate imagery as social commentary WOULD ALL POLYTECHNIC OF SOUTH IDIOTSHIRE FIRST YEAR SOCIOLOGY STUDENTS LINE UP HERE, PLEASE.

Harmon describes the piece as a work of his art "ART", both as an experimental video piece and as a commentary on the state of corporate controlled media and news outlets HE IS, LIKE, THE NEW WARHOL OR SOMETHING.

A spoke person THEY MEAN "spokesperson" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE for Yorke has asked Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE to remove the video even though 7 THEY MEAN "seven" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE other versions of the Yorke audio for the Hollow Earth THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE are currently available on the Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE site. Many of the media outlets have altered their reporting to say 'unofficial' by simply adding 'un' to the text without removing or altering it in any other way OH CHRIST, REALLY?

Speculation concerning the potential of hidden subliminal content OH YEAH, RIGHT within the film has surrounded the reasoning behind Yorke's decision to have it pulled from Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE despite the other videos remaining available.

The Hollow Earth video is still available through most of OH ALRIGHT WE GET THE MESSAGE YOU TEDIOUS LITTLE WORMS

Rock Balls: Part 374108

Bands, please! Employ someone who can write when you want something written! It's not hard, is it? There are a million under-worked journalists out there who can knock you up a decent biog in, like, an hour and they only want paying in drink.

Thanks to the treasured LiS operative who winged me this earlier, saying:

This is great, what I particularly appreciate is the contrast between the sonorous prose and the silly, silly band name.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: [simon@ilikepress.co.uk]
Date: 2009/9/14
Subject: SEA OF REGRETS - I LIKE TRAINS Pre Order today

Good Afternoon All HE MEANS "afternoon all"

I Like Trains are no longer in mourning AMAZING START!. Though they still remember the past, gone are the black threads which adorned their funeral waltz along YOU'RE LOSING ME HERE with songs of tragedy GREAT!, despair GREAT!, insanity GREAT! and loss GREAT!. Whilst the Leeds quartet made their name charting history’s forgotten heroes OH SHIT, HERE WE GO and injustices, there is only so long you can look backwards before you have to start looking to the future THAT IS LIKE, SO TRUE.

“Some things are better left forgotten, or the weight of the world will crush your bones” THAT IS PROPERLY DEEP, LIKE IT'S FROM A POEM OR SOMETHING

Sea of Regrets, the lead single from the forthcoming as yet untitled 2nd COULDN'T YOU BE BOTHERED TO WRITE "second"? WOULD IT HAVE ASKED TOO MUCH OF YOU TO DO THAT? LP due out early next year is a Limited edition/ Self produced CAPS! AMAZING! release and is available to pre-order from today, check the official BLAHBLAHBLAH.

After a second stage slot at Latitude festival, several European festivals and a tour with Sisters of Mercy OH BLIMEY over the summer, they’re not staying under the radar at home for much longer YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A EUROPEAN TOUR WITH A WASHED UP VERSION OF A GOTH BAND WHO SPLIT UP A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO TO REALLY KICK-START A YOUNG BAND'S CAREER.

October’s tour and the first single from their new album – a gorgeous tunefest and a departure from the more staid and sombre HE MEANS BORING earlier recordings – signal a new assault on the country’s ears GREAT, WE WANT OUR EARS TO BE ASSAULTED.

I Like Trains are available for features, HE MEANS "AND" interviews before and during their October tour (dates below), both on the phone and in person. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE PLAYING HARD TO GET, IS THERE?

The new single is released on OH, WOTEVA...

Shock News Just In

A tall "model" thinks being tall is quite good. Having said that, y'know, short people are alright too. I hope Jenay at Yellow Door cried herself to sleep for at least a week after putting her name to this bollocks.

Thanks to the senior LiS operative who sent this in.

This is priceless.

Being tall makes you happier, and the evidence is Lisa Butcher, who goes on to say "On the other hand there’s a huge amount of powerful people in this world that are not tall like Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Nicolas Sarkozy."

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jenay Goultekin [JenayG@yellow-door.com]
Date: 11 September 2009 10:49:18 BDT
Subject: FW: Tall people survey just out - Model Lisa Butcher shares her thoughts!

Hi there,

I thought this might be of interest, a new study in America claims that tall people are happier with their lives… see attached release for further information relating to fashion and supermodel Lisa Butchers SHE MEANS "LISA BUTCHER'S" own thoughts on the subject ATTACHED!

Do get in touch for any tall fashion or Lisa Butcher enquiries FULL STOP HERE, THX

Best wishes

Jenay

I Don't Know What This Means: 2

What is a Camden Wedge anyway? Is it something NOBODY CARES about?

Dear Lost in Showbiz
I knew the very moment I signed up for this I was in for years of heartache. And I've not been disappointed. I get one of these emails almost every day, written by some wag who hopes to make the comedy big time as they think someone at Hattrick might read it and whisk them from their PR hell to a writing gig on Have I Got News For You.

Anyway, all emails from Camden Wedge now go directly to my junk mail box, but I thought I'd share the latest one with you as an example of how to irritate those who've signed up to your scheme so much that they have actively and decisively cut their Wedge cards in two.

Cheers, AN IMPORTANT MEDIA PERSON

FROM: Camden Town [Mail@turninglondonon.com]
Subject: Is it a Wedge? Is it a plane?

Tuesday I've got Monday on my mind... EH?

All this talk of me getting back into a routine of NOBODY CARES Monday newsletters has gone to hell in a hand basket already hasn't it NOBODY CARES? No sooner had I spouted off about the merits of a regular newsletter NOBODY CARES, something that you can all rely on in this mixed up, muddled up, crazy world NOBODY CARES and then BAM! My crazy left ear goes all mental again NOBODY CARES and makes the act of standing worthy of medals NOBODY CARES. So here I am, late but no doubt more entertaining NOBODY CARES than ever (I improve each day, best remember that) NOBODY CARES, BEST REMEMBER THAT.

There are some tasty and soothing Wedge Card deals on offer this week to help comfort us into the fact that there is no Indian Summer, and that we've skipped out the rest of Autumn too, and gone straight smack into the cold, dark and rather overdone winter GET TO THE POINT. Seriously, winter's like that drunk guy at the pub OH PLEASE DON’T DO THIS YOU ARSE with one story that he can't remember who he's told it to, so you hear it about a thousand times before you and your friends “FRIENDS” inevitably do a runner from pub while he's gone to the loo (if you ARE that guy, sorry we totally couldn't find you THIS BIT IS RUBBISH when we went to leave. Sorry.)

So steel yourself and delve into the world of Wedge NOBODY CARES with some tasty delights to help distract you from the weather. Like a bunch of keys NOBODY CARES being jangled in front of a baby NOBODY CARES. Think of me like that. Ahead of a major website overhaul NOBODY CARES we have upgraded your Wedge experience NOBODY CARES so that each Wedge Card offer has it's own page NOBODY CARES and it's now much easier to navigate around NOBODY CARES. Hooray I hear you cry from across Camden Town, and OH CHRIST ALRIGHT YOU CAN STOP NOW.